Eight dead in shooting spree at retirement home, nurses say it’s a welcome change from natural causes

CARTHAGE – A shooter opened fire in a retirement home in North Carolina this week leaving one nurse and seven patients dead. The surviving staff says the shooting fatalities were a welcomed change from death by “natural causes.”

Pine Lake Health and Rehab, was home to 90 elderly (now 83, or possibly less than that due to more recent natural causes,) many of whom suffer from Alzheimer’s disease and have already forgotten about the shooting or didn’t notice it in the first place until they noticed (or didn’t) that afternoon pinochle was canceled then promptly forgot about that. The shooting, and the forgetting about it, is the first known incident of old people in an old folk’s home actually dying before their time. The shooting took place on Sunday morning just after the die-hard convalescent Christians took their sacrament and just seconds before said die-hards died.

Jake Ander, a long time nurse and pill-snatcher from Pine Lake, said of “Bloody Sunday,” as the staff jokingly calls it, “It was definitely a change of pace around here. A change of pace and a welcome change from documenting that one of our patients died of old age. Life gets dreary when you’re always filling in the same box on the same sheets night after night.”

The shooter has been identified as the husband of a woman who works at the nursing home. Due to poor planning on the shooter’s part, his wife was not even working at the time so he did the next best thing to cure the love-sick, honky-tonk blues and decided to light up some old fuckers.

Though the shooter has yet to release a statement as to what drove him to deliver the clip full of mercy bullets, some suggest that he could no longer make love to a woman who cleaned old balls and dusty buttholes, and who always smelled like dying when she crawled into bed at night. Other sources, closer to the family, say that he became suspicious of his wife constantly suggesting new sexual positions that came with names like, “Sponge Bath/Spooge Bath,” “Applesauce Shooter,” “Grandpa’s Boney Knee,” and “The Convalescent Death Erection.”

Tags: Bloody Sunday, convalescent death erection, could no longer make love to a woman, Grandpa’s Boney Knee, honky-tonk blues, love-sick, Other sources

This entry was posted on April 9, 2009 at 1:07 am and is filed under Girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.