An interview with a homeless
Ed. Note: Considering we may be approaching the slowest news week on record here at The Truant, we sent our already-on-probation reporter, Lordy Tremain, to southern California with the sole purpose to interview a victim of the housing crisis in an area of the United States that has been hit the hardest. He ended up returning with a candid interview from a homeless man and had discovered little or nothing about the country’s 
recent housing woes. All answers were reportedly given in exchange for half a “delicious” Philly Cheese from Kenny’s Place on Garnet, and Tremain not stabbing the homeless man to death. This is not a proud day at The Truant.
This interview was reprinted without consent, because unfortunately, homeless people in southern California have a lot in common with the homosexuals: no rights.
The Truant:
All right sir, you don’t mind if I call you “sir” do you? I mean I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, or feel like I’m just fucking with you.
A Homeless:
No, young fella, call me what you like.
The T:
Faggot. Can I call you “faggot”?
A Homeless:
Ha! Well now, that might just be a little too much.
The T:
Well some guy just drove by and yelled “faggot.” Pretty sure he wasn’t talking to me. Are you also gay?
A Homeless:
Also…?
The T:
Yes, beyond making the choice to be homeless, have you also made the choice to be homosexual?
A Homeless:
Now…wait, neither are hardly a choice. I though you said this interview was about surviving a poor economy.
The T:
Ya, how about trying an economy of words? Now shut the fuck up and let me ask the questions here.
Now, my first question is, besides my questioning of your moral fiber, being a homeless homosexual and all, why are you drinking coffee? How could you possibly want to be more aware of the fact that you are so fucking homeless and gay that your family won’t even let you stay on their lawn?
A Homeless:
Well, being homeless doesn’t make you less of a human…
The T:
Ha! Lost your loved ones but kept your sense of humor! Me likey.
A Homeless:
…um, like I was saying, being homeless doesn’t make you less of a human, it just adds a little difficulty to my daily life. I mean, I sleep where that I can find an awning, and I have to shower at the local men’s gym…
The T:
You would, you faggot. You don’t mind me calling you “faggot” do you? I mean, I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable or feel like I was just fucking with you or something.
A Homeless:
Alright now, I’m okay being the butt of a joke now and again, but despite my hard times, I’m still a person. I have self-respect, and feelings, and….
The T:
Speaking of feelings, what do you think of the incumbent mayor of Truantville’s suggestion to round up every homeless person in your city and stab them to death?
A Homeless:
Hey now, we had a deal, no more of that phony “stab to death talk.”
The T:
Sure we did, but how’s that cheesy sandwich, you hopeless fucker? Now, unless you want me to take that away from your chapped and peeling lips…
A Homeless:
Sorry young buck, it’s been uncommonly sunny down here.
The T:
Yeah, well it’s a shame you’re type aren’t a little more uncommonly down here. Now listen, I heard change jingling in your knap-sack when you were coming around the dumpster at knife-point.
A Homeless:
Yeah, it’s all I have, and why were you pointing a hunting knife at me? I was only sleeping.
The T:
Pipe down, faggot. Now listen, how much would you pay me to get my editor to go down on you, but not finish.
A Homeless:
Hey now! I haven’t ever done anything like that, I’m not in the position that I am [Tremain Note: homeless and gay] because of any vice or intentional misstep. You’re making me a little nervous.
The T:
Don’t be nervous, he’ll wear a dental dam.
A Homeless:
Dental…?
The T:
Yeah teeth, you dumb fucker. Got any? Speaking of your face, what the hell’s that shit in your ear?
A Homeless:
It’s my hearing aid, I don’t hear as well as I use to since the accident…
The T:
Well you look like trash with a Bluetooth on top. Now get the fuck out of here before you accidentally touch me and I have to cut my own shoulder off.
Huh that was odd, my comment got eaten. Anyway I had to say that it’s good to see that someone else also mentioned this as it was difficult finding the same info elsewhere. This was the first place that shed some light on this subject for me. Much obliged.
Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
AnnaHopn
Hi there,
Thanks for article. Everytime like to read you.
AlexAxe
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!