Mormons excited for Tim Tebow to die, so he can become member of church
SALT LAKE – Mormon football fans around the country are excited to have Tim Tebow die soon, so that they can baptize him as a member of the LDS church.
“He’s so spiritual,” said Kelly Christiansen, mormon. “You can see how he has a close personal relationship with our Savior, I’m just so conflicted because he’s Baptist. He needs to die already.”
LDS Prophet Thomas Monson, who talks to god, said performing a “baptism for the dead” on Tebow will be the highest priority for the Church’s soul-processing operations, as soon as Tebow – who is in the absolute peak of physical condition – dies.
“Retroactively turning Tebow Mormon is our most important task,” Monson said. “Even more important than changing Holocaust victims from Jew to Mormon.”
“Being baptized for him would be much more uplifting than being baptized for these dumb concentration camp victims,” said Tate Ammon, who was arriving at the West Jordan Temple with his priesthood group to be baptized for the dead, a ritual done for people who didn’t receive the gospel in their natural lives. “Did you see him do the gator chomp to Nic Harris? Man, he’s just such a stud.”
Tebow is devoutly religious, and even travelled to the most destitute part of the Phillipines this summer to make the water there clean for little kids to drink, and tell them about a man named Jesus and his father, god. However, to the consternation of mormons, he has not accepted the second testament of Jesus Christ, the one that explains how South Americans are Israeli, as his personal truth – yet. For that, devout mormons are prepared to wait until his death.
Abel Goldstein, who we believe we can all agree has a sufficiently Jewish-sounding name to be President of the American Jewish Society, said his people are glad that Tebow has replaced them as the most-desired target of posthumous induction into the mormon church.
“Oy, 10,000 years of suffering was no preparation for this,” Goldstein said. “Here we have a legitimate, real religion, with really great ceremonial garb and some strong traditions, and along come these corny whitebread chumps, late to the party, touting the inventions of a multiple fraud convict. And they’re converting our many dead worshippers at an alarming rate! It’s a schande.”
*additional reporting by Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge
I am so glad that I dont live in UT anymore after reading this article and the comments made after. Mormons have a hard time comprehending that they are not the “true” church and will forever try to convert believers of other churches to their religion and their brainwashed views on life
HAHA! I’ve not been to the Truant for a while. This one article really made me laugh!
I wish most of my co-LDS members could see the SATIRE/SARCASM in this site and laugh a bit about stuff like this.
IMO, You can make fun of us – and it doesn’t have to be “behind our backs”, some of us will find a way to not be offended!!!
This story remains our most popular E-VAR. Bravo, Dickhouse.
Yeah. Then why are you addressing me and not all your above humorless hater mormon friends then dipshit?
Hey, I’m Mormon, and I think this site is very funny. So screw you jimmydean
Ww…word.
Hahaha the Truant is great! I love how pissed of all this Mormon kids are getting “P..pppppppp prophet Monson didn’t say ttt those things” No sher shitlocks. It’s a SATIRICAL humor website. (And a fucking hilarious one at that) You all are just hardwired not to get it and time and time again prove exactly why making fun of you behind your backs is a favorite past time of ours
he does not need the mormon bs, he knows and worships the true and living God, mormon reserch your religon and see what u find truth will set u free
Catholics are allowed to attack other faiths, dumbfuck
I was raised LDS, and in my opinion all the commentors so far have been very ignorant. The fact of the matter is, Thomas S. Monson never said those things. Some mormons are crazy, just like some baptist are crazy, some muslims are crazy. All churches have some history of people, leaders included, going crazy. Examples, the cruisades, jihad, mountain meadows massacre, han’s mill massacre… etc. I think the very idea of attacking a faith is very unchristian.
You DO realize that you could be sued for saying that we could be sued?
Lafferty? More like laugh-erty! Silly bitch got what she had comin’. Hope someone baptized her in the afterlife.
I do feel like this isn’t really a fair article now that it’s been brought up. it just gives the wrong impression. It must not have been made clear to people that the church is currently willing to wait. At this point in time there has been no news of any world class assassins being hired to convert him to the afterlife. Although as Lordy said there have been rumors. We may never know the truth when it happens. With the church’s assets at a minimum of 30 billion and an annual gross income estimated around 6 billion they can obviously afford to have Tebow offed without any messy loose ends.
Some options available to the church would be an “on call” hitter not unlike Orrin Porter Rockwell who was known to “Cain it up” on occasion for the church and his prophet Joseph Smith. There’s also the possibility they’ll go the deranged offshoot vigilante like when the church needed Brenda Lafferty, along with her baby Erica, taken out.
You realize you could be sued for making up those quotes. For one it is clear this is not real because us mormons never wait for someone to die so we can do temple work on them. Plus even if we do the work for them that doesn’t make them a member of our church just like Seth R. said.
I heard that Thomas “The Bull” Monson is a closet case homo, I mean football fan, so he’s waiting until after Tebow wins his bowl to have him offed and baptized a Mormon. He’s so smart…
To: A Moron, alright I couldn’t find any ezekia in the bible. So I’m hoping you were trying to tell us to read from the book of Ezekiel. But it seems to me all it does is talk about lashing some sticks together. I mean I learned that in boy scouts buddy, I don’t need to be told to relearn how to tie sticks together.
to: Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge, you are a complete moron, and i can honestly say you are probably the dumbest person i have ever met. and mormons dont want “tebow dead.” and anyone that can state that they hate mormons and “their rituals”. why dont you read ezekia 37: 15-17. yeah mormons rock and your an idiot.
Normally I don’t comment frivolously, however I wanted say “Happy Thanksgiving” to The Truant!
he is christian… he goes to a baptistism church in jackdonville far as i heard
Wow.. this is just sad. This guy obviously has no life, to be wasting his time making up these lies… everything here is misconstrued to no end…
this is bull**** prsident monson didnt say that u A**hole get a life and pick on a different religion
Of course, what a great site and informative posts, I will add backlink – bookmark this site? Regards, Reader.
Seth, we can state with some authority that no one gives a shit about the arcane details of your little ritual.
Any chance we can get a link from ninemoons.com?
Doing a temple baptism for someone does not automatically make them a Mormon. For all I know, the baptisms I did for my German ancestors were rejected by all of them.
Nice fake quotes too. Har, har.
Personally I can’t wait for tebow to pull a Gordon .B and finally be on our side In the after life:)