‘Let’s Roll’ found to be a trite thing to say
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After enjoying a brief period of popularity, the saying ‘Let’s Roll,’ made famous by Todd Beamer, who led a determined group of passengers on a suicide mission to prevent terrorists from crashing a jet into the White House on 9/11, has fallen out of fashion.
Dr. Jeffrey Zellner, the country’s foremost expert on what’s cool to say, said that ‘Let’s Roll’ is, in the final analysis, a rather trite thing to say on the phone moments before launching an assault on the cockpit of a 757 jet-cum-terrorist-controlled missile.
“Why didn’t Beamer say something like, ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive. Today, today we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!’?” Dr. Zellner asked. “That would have been more apropos.”
Another key expert, all-star forward Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers, said that in his opinion, “Mr. Beamer shouldn’t have used a contraction. ‘Let Us Roll’ is more dignified.”
James added that the only time he uses uncouth contractions is when he’s super tired from fucking the Celtics’ shit up and too lazy to pronounce both words.
According to Zellner, it is high time for people to stop quoting Beamer as if ‘Let’s Roll’ was an amazing oratorical gem. “Young folks looking for a good inspirational quote for their facebook profile need look no further than Dickens: as Sidney Carton said, ‘Tis a far, far better thing…’ than just putting ‘Let’s Roll’ up there like every other slapdick, popcorn-muscled jock in a Tapout shirt. Think of how impressed people will be with how literate you are.”
President George W. Bush, who was eating some chocolate-covered coffee beans and kept on crunching and smacking into the receiver during his interview with this august publication, said he always thought that “9-11 and the story of that guy who said ‘Let’s Roll’ would make a really neat Hollywood movie.
“I always tell Harry, my pilot on Air Force One, to say ‘Let’s Roll’ over the intercom just as we’re taking off,” the President said. “And I like Johnny, my limo driver, and Vincent, the pilot of Marine One, that’s my official helicopter, to give me the same treatment. Then I look out the window and shoot pretend-bullets and pretend-Hellfire missiles at all the passing buildings because there’s pretend-terrorists in them, like pyew-pyew-pyew-kaBOOM!, and Laura pours me some appy juice. I like driving in my special cars.”
For Dr. Zellner, it’s not merely a question of taste. “This is more than a fight for facebook wall real estate, this is about what kind of oratorical framework we want our kids – and everyone agrees it’s all about the kids – to grow up within. And please note I used the word framework just now in the context of a fairly complex sentence. Also, I talked about context, which everyone knows is soooooo key to everything.”
Undaunted by the prospect of a backlash from slurring flatlanders wielding farm implements, Dr. Zellner forged ahead with this attack on Beamer:
“I’m not saying he’s not a hero, per se, I guess,” Dr. Zellner said. “It’s just that people with weak vocabularies like him who go around all the time, with their running shoes or muddy boots or whatever it is they wear, in my experience, have raaaah-ther uninteresting personalities. It’s usually an indicator for the type of person who enjoys playing with action figure dolls, perhaps by banging them together like a peaceful simian with a pair of coconuts, to simulate some sort of conflict.”
At this point, our interview with Dr. Zellner came to an abrupt end, as we dashed our drink across his lapels and stormed out of the club. America’s rate of action figure doll consumption has remained high through these troubled economic times, as has the value of our stake in the Kurolvya Toy Factory. An attack on the brave inmates workers of the Kurolvya Factory, who have, quite literally, worked their little fingers to the bone satisfying the American action figure doll demand, is an attack on all law-abiding Americans. As we all know, playing with action figure dolls is a socially acceptable and legal way to fill the little leisure time American workers and unemployed individuals have left. It can even be therapeutic. It’s particularly engaging to construct battle scenarios with large groups of action figure dolls, perhaps over the terrain of an abandoned couch out in the alley. But you need a lot of action figure dolls in order to form two distinct armies. And it’s more fun if they all have lots of expensive accessories and accoutrements. Maybe you should go buy some action figure dolls right now.
Action figure dolls.
I still think Obama is one of the best speakers we’ve seen in our lifetime.