Little Matchstick Girl turns to prostitution
COPENHAGEN – In a pleasant dose of peasant news that has been a long time coming, the Little Matchstick Girl, who has been freezing to death every winter since she began her ill-fated business venture of door-to-door matchsticks sales, has added prostitution to her repertoire.
As of last Thursday this constant character of Christmas lore, who has been a reminder of the importance of giving to the poor, decided that she had finally had enough and took her first customer as a concubine.
“I’m just tired,” said the 13 year-old girl birthed from the loins of Hans Christian Anderson’s Danish fairy tale from the nineteenth century. “It’s been a long fucking time, a lot of winters, and it’s clear that there’s no way that I can survive selling matchsticks, so I’m going to start fucking people for money.”
Citizens of the storybook town that have seen the death of The Little Matchstick Girl every winter for over a century have mixed feelings on the issue.
“I like to see her dead,” Said Johan Stien, an upper-class and longtime resident of Denmark. “Every New Year’s Day when I see her frozen body on the street, it reminds me to give a little more to the poor in the upcoming year. Of course, if she’s only a common hooker now, maybe I’ll reconsider my stance. Why should I reward her for sinning?”
The Truant offered Mr. Stien an opportunity to clarify his statement which more or less suggests that he would rather see a young girl freeze than know she is sexually active. Stien responded, “It is the Christian way. You never saw Jesus Christ associating with prostitutes, now did you?”
Julia van der Velt, another longtime resident and social worker disagreed with Mr. Stien’s wish of death upon a child and sided with the young peddler-turned-slut, saying, “It is absolutely foolish of her to walk the town square with nothing more to offer than her matches, when she knows damn well that men-folk will pay top dollar for her young, young working-girl lady parts.”
Continuing the rare streak of fairness, The Truant offered Mrs. Van der Velt an opportunity to clarify her said position as a “social worker” and ask why after all these years the society that she works for, being extremely wealthy by international standards, has done nothing to help this young orphan turned cum-dumpster.
“Frankly, she’s gross,” said Van der Velt, with a shrug. “It looks like she’s already had AIDS for ten years. Plus I heard that she was a child of rape, and that’s just sad.”
After dealing with a clearly confused public and not able to get a straight answer The Truant did what few other publications would dare to do (due to their constant compromise of moral character) and tracked the Little Matchstick Girl down to see exactly what she would do for money.
The resounding answer was: Anything. Had this fairytale gone down in any of the 50 states, Claire Chennault and Nixon Dickhouse would be pulling a Roman Polanski without the fucking Piano. And from first-hand/fist experience we, as a staff of exceptionally strong moral fiber, can say without a doubt, that poor people, when faced with death or two cocks at the same time, will do anything for money.
So what is the real moral of this Christmas story? This staple of holiday speeches on love and charity, this timeless masterpiece that urges people to be inspired and change?
Here at The Truant the answer was clear: Fuck the poor. And so we did.
[...] so that the paid staff has something to high-five over at the company Christmas party besides The Little Matchstick Girl, and that there is a real possibility of a live web-cast with in the next [...]
whoa whoa whoa, nix. you did the research too. you just paid for it.
I cant smoke meth with matchsticks!
seek help grant.
so how much is she charging now? she used to do everything for free just to get the body heat(it was a good deal). I mean she already gave me herpes so it’s not like I have much else to lose. although I will probably wear a rubber this time regardless. who knows what else she’s picked up since she started charging. I guess what I’m really asking would be is she still worth it since she charges now?