Holy Ghost leaves Trinity
HEAVEN – In a statement released by the Vatican this Sunday, it was announced that one-third of the Christian holy trinity is calling it quits. The Holy Ghost is reportedly leaving the godhead due to monetary issues and unrest in Heaven, as the bear and bull of the market continue to prove that no one, not even a specter, is safe from America’s crumbling economy. 
Heaven has already seen some major changes do to the economic downswing, but nothing quite like this. Last month alone, the roads paved of gold were replaced with recycled copper, the pearly gates were replaced with Chinese-made cargo net and the promise of eternal salvation was downgraded to a 12-month lease. According to Judas of Iscariot, a long time resident, “The loss of the Holy Ghost is the biggest change we have seen in Christian heaven since the Mormons decided to accept African-Americans as equals in 1978.”
The flailing economy is not only affecting citizens in heaven itself, but also citizens just trying to get there. Recently passed president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinkley said that after he died he was delayed over six hours in the spirit world.
“When Pope John Paul II died in 2005,” Hinkley said, “that lying son of a bitch made it to Heaven in seven minutes flat.” At press time The Truant was uncertain if Mr. Hinkley was being literal, or if he was referring to the party game “Seven Minutes of Heaven” where two juveniles are locked in to a closet for seven minutes in which most passive girls get their first boyfriend and almost all boys get their first smell of finger-bang.
In a statement regarding the Holy Ghost’s leaving of the Trinity, Jesus Christ reportedly called him a “Drunk Indian” and said “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost!”
At press time the voice of God was not available for a comment because, according to his intern, “He picked up prayer-answering duties for the Hindus to try and make ends meet.”
The Holy Ghost himself also declined to make a comment, but a still small voice and the burning in my bosom tell me that he’s looking for a temp work on craigslist.
[...] Holy Ghost, who no longer works in heaven, but has been seen slumming through the back alleys, which are now paved only with copper, was [...]
That warm and fuzzy feeling that I used to have every time the translucent HG penetrated my body will be sorely missed… Good luck in your future endeavors and no hard feelings from the mortal masses!