Missionary returns to Logan and begins every sentence with, “Well, in Brazil…”
LOGAN – Kyle Larsen, a resident of Smithfield and recent returnee of a Mormon mission is losing friends because he doesn’t get the idea that nobody really cares how things were in Brazil. Many of Kyle’s friends were willing to excuse the fact that he spent two years of his life lying to poor people and trying to take 10% from them, but when he wouldn’t stop translating television programs into Portuguese and insisted on chiming in on every conversation with “Well, in Brazil…” they drew the line.
“Fuck Kyle Larsen,” said Chad Marx, who is Kyle’s roommate and childhood friend. “If that son of a bitch tells me one more time about how ‘nice’ and ‘giving’ the people of Brazil are and how blessed he is to have had the opportunity to serve there, I’m going to fuck him up. I’m glad Hinckley is dead too.”
This epidemic of “bringing your mission home with you” has been souring Cache Valley for decades. Unfortunately similar behavior can be found all over the campus of Utah State University in the form of that sophomore girl (who is probably named Kelly or Ashley but spelled different to set her apart from the masses of banal cunts that flood the quad every afternoon) who spent the summer “finding themselves” in Paris and now insist on talking Parisian fashion, trying to wax intellectual about alcohol because, shhhhh…they’ve tried wine, and making profound statements like, “American guys, like, just don’t get it.”
When asked about this post-partum phenomenon, Allison Petz of the Department of Psychology and Human Behavior compared it to having Down’s Syndrome. “These people are fucking retarded and need to remember to drop that extra chromosome before they open their mouths about shit nobody really cares about.”
In related studies, “Sister Missionaries” (as female missionaries are called in Mormon church) seem to suffer from the same appalling affliction but it is often paired with a lack of personality and an extra 30 pounds.
Correction: Allison Petz PhD, BCBA, Behavior Analyst, McPalin Advocate
Well… I hope that the writer of this article realizes what kind of advantage Elder Larsen is going to have when it comes to finding a job. Portuguese is in demand right now, Duh!! Why does every heathen that isn’t LDS think they can just bash on people of Faith!? We’re better than you!! That’s why we don’t want you in our cuntry! Get out of our cuntry!